March has been an intense month in so many ways.
There has been damage - the $340 parking ticket, the crashed minivan, the party-from-hell at the circus school that harmed both my finances and my ego.
And there has been joy. Celebrating Baz and Isa's birthdays. Reading Baz's amazingly good first poems. Watching Kyle walk the high wire. Arriving at the name for the Green Fairy Cabaret. Watching Ayla's first dance recital. Finally figuring out an affordable phone plan so I can talk to Greg. And a few warm, sunny days, which made a bigger difference in my spirits than I ever imagined.
One thing I regret is that it seems like many forces are colliding this month to scream at me that I am trying to manage too many things at once. This isn't shocking news. I am always a pretty serious multi-tasker, and I knew that this spring was going to be really challenging. But somehow, telling myself "it will be challenging - but I'll manage" does not actually translate into more hours in the day. I seem to be digging myself into deeper holes - bills that get lost under piles of mail, kids who run out of clean clothes to wear, and a business that is slipping out of my hands faster than I want it to, out of my sheer unavailability.
There's no easy answer, other than to get up each morning and put in my best valiant effort. But it is giving me pause. Recognizing that with all of the optimism and organizational skills in the world, with all of my willingness to work late at night and early in the morning, there is still a point of impossibility. And there is also the recognition that, in all this madness, everything I AM doing is getting short-changed.
Deep sigh. Big changes are coming of their own accord, and for now I will just ride out the wave.