Sunday, November 20, 2011

Doldrums

Dictionary.com defines doldrums as "a dull, listless, depressed mood; low spirits." And that has been me these last few days. For no particular reason - it is just the same sad slump that comes over me once in a while, with those heavy question, what am I doing here? and why am I spending all of my time dealing with laundry and temper tantrums? ...it comes back to the ego, again, my sense that I should be More Important Than This. Which is humbling to realize, all by itself.

I suppose it's been a rough week for many reasons. There is a lot going on right now at the Philadelphia School of Circus Arts - changes, big wonderful events, future-strategizing that needs my attention. We have announced to the world that Robin is leaving in the spring, and we've begun the search for the next Managing Director. The uncertainty of all that gives me just a low-level anxiety. ... then this week I had an unpleasant interaction with someone on the site, which reminded me all too clearly that my goals and wants do not matter a damn to the Totem community. It is simply not about me - nothing here is - which I've known forever, but every once in a while it gets rubbed in my face.

Add all that to the general drudgery of stay-at-home mom life; and my increasing concern that Isa is backsliding, reverting more to babyhood and clinginess than she should be, and therefore I have somehow screwed up - and perhaps my doldrums are no surprise.

So, I keep trying the old standby pick-me-ups .... yesterday Isa and I watched Totem from the expensive seats in the front center section; today I took the kids to the Museum of Modern Art; tonight I'll probably try to absorb myself in a new novel. Hopefully the gray mood will lift; it always does.

1 comment:

  1. Hugs to you. Wow - it is huge huge deal that Robin is leaving...! It is so frustrating that you still are not finding people there who can appreciate all the wonderful facets of you - mom, business owner, amazing friend... I love you - and we will talk soon - for real!!!

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