Sunday, August 19, 2012

The woes of a non-career-woman

Our new home here in Arlington, VA, has pretty much everything I should need for peaceful stay-at-home Mom life.  A beautiful swimming pool, a great nearby library and playground, and walking distance to tons of shops.  There are nice routes for my morning runs and bike rides, and the weather is fine.

So why, after only a week of this new routine, am I snarling at the children and sinking into an "oh what's the point of doing anything" kind of funk?

It must just be the nature of stay-at-home-motherhood - trapping an ambitious woman in a routine with the sole purpose of raising children.  I feel like I am in a padded room sometimes, bouncing around, trying alternately to escape or to keep from losing my mind.  It is not the children's fault - they are mostly very well-behaved, and they can fully occupy themselves with reading or playing together.  (getting themselves dressed, washed, or doing household chores, of course, is another story).

But for me, the problem is the lack of an adult identity.  I went to site today to watch the show backstage and re-connect with people.  Which was very nice.  But watching everyone work reminded me that I am just hanging around here with no real purpose.  All I'm doing is trying to fill the time and avoid total boredom.  What kind of a life is this?!

OK that sounded a little melodramatic.  I may be over-thinking things as Greg approaches his contract re-signing meeting this week.  It is not news, that life on tour provides me with lots of ease and material comforts, and that I desperately miss having my own career.  I suppose I need reminders that no one's life has everything they could possibly want, and I have a good percentage of my wish list already.  Counting blessings, counting blessings....

Many of you have asked, over the last couple of years, whether or not I could get a job on Totem.  The answer is, probably.  But it wouldn't be at all good for our family.  The jobs on tour - from ushers and merchandise staff all the way up to Company Manager - require work in the evenings and on Sundays. Which would mean paying most of my salary to a childcare provider.  And if would also defeat the purpose of our quality family time here on tour - if I was running myself ragged with work, I couldn't be here for the children and Greg, taking care of the household.  My big family needs a lot from me, and if only my ego would quiet down, this would be sufficient.


  1. This whole family experience would not happen without you, so you are an important piece of that puzzle!! Hang in there, in a few years, the kids will grow up and you will be able to focus solely on you! It comes faster than you think!

  2. Shana I know exactly what you mean with regards to finding your own identity within the Totem realm. I can't! I don't have one! It's not the place for me to find that at all! I can't sit backstage, not even for one whole show and never have for this very reason! I feel a real lack of purpose while I'm there. You are doing so well creating lots of things for you to do within this context we find ourselves in. I try to create my own life outside which is also near impossible with a little one in tow! I have accepted that this is a time for being a Mother, and a little bit of a writer here and there! ;) I completely lack an adult identity if that makes you feel any less solitary in your view? There is an amazing future for you out there in a few years - maybe 5! That's what I fall back on in those moments when I ask myself "what on earth am I doing?!" We'll get our lives back. This is a time to save money and shape beautiful human beings. They need us. Your time will come again!! I just know it ;) x